The power of "could" (A.K.A Stop "shoulding" all over yourself.)

7th grade me, at the start of my educational decline.

Sometimes I feel really smart. Other times not so much.

I didn’t graduate from high school. I skipped classes, got bad grades, and hid behind humor. I got my GED two years later. I’ve gone to bits of college here and there but no degree. I’ve had jobs here and there throughout the years but no career.

For a long time I felt unsmart--stupid.

Writing has made me feel smart, made me realize I actually have something in my brain.

Most times I am okay, really. I understand that formal education doesn't translate directly to intelligence. I've met plenty of college graduations that can't think for themselves.

But, still, there are times when I feel dumb. And I HATE FEELING DUMB.

Case in point, a while ago I went on a job interview. I was nailing it. Eye contact, solid answers, confident smile. I had it in the bag.

Then, right in the middle and out of the blue, the interviewer says the worst possible thing could say, "We are going to have a math test."

Huh? First of all, what's this we? Is he going to take it with me? And second of all, a math test? Who gives a math test in an interview?

That guy does.

I felt sick. I never made it past Algebra 1 in school. Math is my kryptonite, right next to liquid eyeliner and cleaning the bathroom.

He smiles and says, “If you receive an invoice for $3248.56, which includes a tax of 0.917%, how much would the total of just the bill be?"

People. I froze.

I didn’t know how to do it. 

Not only was it a dumb question, but I felt like a dumb person. 

Time slowed down.

I stared at the calculator in my hand, then to him, then back down to my calculator. 

My mind was blank. Nothing. 

I punched some random numbers hoping the answer would magically appear, but nothing came.

I felt embarrassed, ashamed. Humiliated.

Stupid.

That wasn’t his intent. Numbers are a big part of the job.

Still.

I wanted to cry right there.

I really wanted to slide out of my chair and sneak out the door. Though, he may have noticed a skirt-clad woman doing the army crawl across the floor.

The was another gentleman on the interview panel. I glanced up at him, hoping he couldn't see me dying inside. 

My nearly tearing up eyes rested on the calculator in my hand one last time as I prepared myself for what I'd have to say next.

I looked up at the interviewer, breathed in courage, swallowed a huge slice of humble pie, and with a wide said, “I’m sorry. I can’t recall the specific formula. But that’s okay, because this is the perfect time for me to show you how honest I am when there is something I need help with, and what a fast learner I am as well.”

He laughed and offered to write the problem out for me. Once the equation was in front of me, the old brain kicked in and I knew how to solve it.

Now, I could stop here and talk about how we can take difficult moments and make something good out of them. Or I could talk about how our "control room"--that place we go in the time between what happens to us and how we respond, that I shared in my second book.

But I'm not. Not yet.

I wasn't thinking about any of that stuff. In fact, I cried the entire way home.

I’m 46. And I felt like a 15-year-old in high school again. Embarrassed. Stupid. Small.

And it stung.

The next day I received an email from the guy. He invited back for a second interview. His manager wanted to meet me.

Really?

I was stunned. I thought my embarrassingly obvious ineptitude had sealed my fate.

But it didn't.

I never found out why they wanted me back because I never went to the second interview. I took another job offer instead which, luckily, had me teaching special needs children--something I love doing that, luckily, doesn't require algebraic skills.

That moment in the interview, for me, was a seminal moment in my life. It was a moment I faced deep shame and regret and didn't give it power over me.

I took the power away from shame and regret.

I took the power and changed it into something good.

Even if I'd never been called back for another interview, I feel like I succeeded.

I still harbor some negative feelings about my educational past. I know I made mistakes. I wish I would have made better choices. But I cannot let regret keep me from progress.  You know the saying, "life is full of should-of-dones", right?

Well, I think I am tired of shoulding all over myself.

I loved that moment in the interview--the moment courage stepped past fear and doubt. The moment I could be confident when all the "evidence" proved otherwise. The moment I took control of who I was and want to be.

Yes, I should have taken school seriously. I should have had more confidence in myself. I should have gone to college after high school. I should have gotten my degeree.

Should.

Should.

Should.

See, shoulding on myself is easy.

But, I don't want to do that anymore. I need to stop shoulding all over myself. It stinks.

In that moment in the interview, I had to walk past should and grab hold of could.

I want to keep doing that.

I could go back to school now and get a degree. I could study worldly topics at home. Or I could simply realize I am really smart, even if I don't.

Could.

Could.

Could.

I like could. It's a nice word, filled with possibilities.

Could.

No regret or shame.

Could.

It's hope and choices and potential.

I could do so many wonderful things if I leave my should where it belongs: in the outhouse with the rest of the crap.

And I think I will.

Skipping stones and diving deep

I've made the joke before that I've got spiritual ADD. I find myself so often jumping from one topic to another, one scripture to another, one lesson to another, that I often feel more like a stone skipping across the surface of the water than a deep-sea diver. 

Sometimes I don't even skim. I sit at my desk with my scriptures in front of me and I seem unable to choose from all the options before me. I could read my scriptures chronologically, or by topic; I could study the principles Jesus taught, or focus on His stories; I could look for lessons learned, or blessings promised; I could research prophecies and their fulfillment. 

You see the problem here? I want to know it all. I want to read it all. How can I choose? So, sometimes, I don't.

It's a tragedy, really.  Too much bounty equals starving me.

This is why I love to write. It focuses my study. It gives me purpose and direction. I need that. Without a purpose, direction, a tangible end in mind, I have the natural tendency to spin my wheels and get no where.  I feast, not pick. I dive, not skim. I think of 1 Corinthians 2:10:" . . . for the Spirit searcheth all things, yea, the deep things of God."

I want to dive deep and find those things.

I believe that we can find God in every aspect of life. Just take a walk outside or look into the starts at night and you can see Him. But, there is more to God than the beauties of the earth; there is more to know that the things we can see with our eyes. But how can we find them?  I mean, do you ever feel like a skipping stone, bouncing on the surface, never stopping long enough to get too deep?

Maybe you're mind is whirling with family, work, or community responsibilities. Heaven knows (literally) that every day we are pulled in a million different directions. How do we find time to dive deep?

The answer is the same for all of us . . . and different for each one of us.

The answer that applies to all of us is this: we choose to.  We decide we want to get more than our feet wet.

When we do this, we take responsibility for the things we learn and feel. We don't wait for the ocean to engulf us; we jump into the ocean.

Then comes the answer that is different for each of us--the answer to how we will dive. As I mentioned above, the how that works for me is having some sort of direction or purpose.

For example, my latest Work in Progress is about how mother's can lean on Jesus for support and strength. I spent months studying about Jesus and His relationship to women and mothers, and evaluating His influence in my mothering. I dove deep.

When my son left to serve a two-year mission for my church, I wanted him take my testimony with him. So, I bought a set of brand new scriptures, and I spent a few months marking them for him. I underlined passages with meaning to me, highlighted passages and added to them messages for him. I read and marked scriptures in a way I never had before; every word I read, I read for him. I dove deep, and I grew to love the power of the scriptures, and my son, more. (More than two years later, my son has returned home and is away at college. He texted me the other morning out of the blue just to tell me he read from my scriptures that morning, and that he loves them. Meant the world to me.)

When I am asked to speak to a group of women, I never give the same exact presentation twice. I can't. The women in each group are different, and I want to give them a message for them, not just one I've memorized. When I prepare for speaking engagements, I dive deep.

This doesn't mean that I spend an hour every day in thorough study. But, it does mean that I adjust my schedule to allow more that a passing minute to read a verse. I'll admit, some days get away from my, and I find that skipping a stone is better than nothing at all. But, on the whole, when I am diving deep on a regular basis, I feel fully submerged in His word. I feel different--I am different.  

Ask yourself: Am I skipping stones? Or am I diving deep?

If you find that you're skipping stones, then remember the first step: choose to dive. Want to dive. I know you're busy with a thousand things you need to do every day, but doing a good thing isn't always a good thing when it keeps you from what's best.  

That will bring you to step 2: Find a way that works for you. Most of you won't sit and write a book (although I highly recommend it!).  Pick a topic, a person, a book to study, and then dive!  Write a talk or short essay on something, just for the sake of study and learning. Study a parable or story as if you were going to teach it to someone else. Buy an inexpensive set of scriptures and mark all the verses pertaining to faith, or charity, hope.

There are so many ways you can dive deep into the things of God. 

Ask God for direction. He's completely invested in you and your spiritual growth. He knows exactly what you can study to help you reach those deep things of God.

Peter was a fisherman when he met Jesus. After a long night of working and fishing, Peter had caught none, and was out washing his fishing net. Jesus asked him if he could use his boat as a floating classroom, if you will. They launched out into the lake and Jesus taught the people for a while. When He was finished, he turned His attention back to Simon (Peter) and said, "Launch out into the deep, and let down your nets for a draught (or catch)" (Luke 5:4).  Peter doubted, telling Jesus that he just had a nonprofitable night of fishing. But here's what made Peter great. He then said, " . . . nevertheless, at they word I will let down the net" (Luke 5:5). And he did. And he caught do many fish that his net broke, as he fished in the deep. 

Don't skip stones. Cast your net out and try different things. Include Him in your study. Launch out into the deep. Then be prepared to receive inspiration, answers, knowledge, and blessing so great that they just might break your proverbial net.